just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
