genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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