got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
