WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
