Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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