you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
