is your mom at the bar?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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