He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
