So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
