Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
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