Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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