Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
