id be glad to
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
