Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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