making cat noises will not fix the situation.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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