My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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