she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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