Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
