His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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