well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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