What did we do last night that was yellow?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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