i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this boner is exhausting
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
