How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
