then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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