Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
