Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
