WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
