Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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