that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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