3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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