I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
