I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
we're making bets on your personal life
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
