Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
