i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
