I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
