He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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