Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
