Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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