Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
