We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
