This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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