You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
