Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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