I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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