This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
