non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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