If i could tip my vagina, i would.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
