So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
