Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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