you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
