he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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