Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
