i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
