Plan B is the new Plan A
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Welp...herpes.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
