Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
