I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
