It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize