i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
