I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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