The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
