so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
