I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
