We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
