Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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